Being in a romantic relationship or experiencing narcissistic abuse from a family member, friend or work colleague can leave you feeling exhausted, confused, overwhelmed and scared by everything that is or has happened to you. Counselling can help you to make sense of your experience and work with you to find yourself again and to set personal boundaries so that you are able to move forward in life and achieve your goals.

Do you feel you have toxic people in your life and setting boundaries is difficult and impacting on your own wellbeing? Are you co dependent and put others needs first? Through my own personal experience of a narcissistic relationship I learnt that I was co dependent and feel an overwhelming responsibility to put other peoples needs first regardless of whether it was damaging to me physically and mentally. I have used this experience along with my counselling training and skills to help and support others to walk away from damaging relationships and to deal with the trauma and anger these relationships have caused. I have 15 years experience of narcissistic abuse and the damage this abuse can do and together we can work through your feelings in order for you to find yourself again and claim your life back. 

Narcissist Terms 

There are many different terms you may have heard that are associated with narcissistic abuse and some of the terms are explained below:

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is persistent refusal to communicate used by the abuser as a controlling strategy. By simply doing and saying nothing the abusive person assumes a sense of power over their victim by putting themselves in control of if and when any conversation will be resumed. This causes such anxiety and stress to the victim.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is part of the cycle of abuse and it explains the period of happiness where the narcissist is kind, loving, attentive and appears invested in the relationship. 

​Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys is another slang word for people who believe and act on behalf of a narcissist to slander and intimidate a victim of narcissistic abuse. The flying monkeys can be anyone from family to friends to strangers that the narcissist has told their pretend story to. The narcissist is extremely good at making false allegations against the victim which can include reporting them to the police or social services and encouraging the flying monkeys to believe these allegations. The false allegations can have a enormous impact on the victims life.

​Discard

Discard is when the narcissist ends the relationship sometimes with no warning and this may leave you feeling distraught and heartbroken and wondering what happened as there is no closure. You may be left feeing if you where good enough and questioning what you did wrong. Remember, you did nothing wrong, this is the way narcissists end relationships.

​Hoovering

Hoovering as the name says is when the narcissist tries to suck you back in with phone calls, emails, letters, stalking etc. Your self esteem may be extremely low at this point and you might find yourself remembering the good times you both had.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a cluster B personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy which can lead to exploitation of others. We all have narcissistic traits but they become a problem when a person has many of these traits and this impacts on the way they interact with others. A person with NPD more than likely struggles with their own identity and self worth so this in turn leads to them behaving in cruel ways to the people they are involved with. The impact of being in a relationship with someone who is showing a lot of signs of NPD can take its toll on your physical and mental health due to the constant states of anxiety and the body releasing cortisol and adrenaline.

Covert Narcissist:

The covert narcissist is usually charming to others outside the family home so you are left questioning whether you are oversensitive or really seeing this behaviour.

They are overly critical – Because they have so many insecurities of their own, they have a tendency to be overly critical of those around them. Projecting their own weaknesses onto those in their path, they can leave you to feel stupid, unwanted, or insignificant.

Although charming you only see it when they want something – Very charismatic when they want to be, the covert narcissist’s charm only comes out when they want something from you or the people around you. Like a switch, they can turn it on and turn it off.

No matter what happens you always feel at fault – As upset as you are with them, if you confront them or get into an argument with them, they manipulate the situation with such mastery that you end up feeling at fault and apologizing. A covert narcissist knows exactly how to spin something to make you feel like everything you were thinking is wrong, even when your own common sense and logic tells you otherwise. This tactic can be so mind-manipulating that you can start to feel like you’re going insane.

They leave you feeling empty in a relationship with them – Regardless of the time you are together, the experiences that you share with them and the closeness that you crave, it always feels as if something is missing or isn’t quite right.

They don’t care if they have to lie, steal or cheat to get what they want – A narcissist sees everyone in relation to what they can do for them. Not really caring about anyone but themselves, everyone and everything is merely a tool to get what they want in life.

There is something empty and uncaring about them that you can’t put your finger on – There’s no way to get close to them in a relationship. As if there is a protective layer to them that you can’t penetrate, things never seem quite right or real when you’re with a covert narcissist.

They will play the victim – A covert narcissist will make you feel sorry for them, no matter what the truth of the matter is. Everything is someone else’s fault, and they are always merely an innocent bystander.

They over react to any criticism – If you criticize them, they will overreact, and their anger is quick. Always needing praise and admiration, if you challenge them, they will attack to regain their dominance.

They are passive aggressive – If you feel like you’re going insane, you are probably with a covert narcissist. They will plant seeds and let them grow. Making tiny suggestions about who you are or what you have done, they leave it to rest and fester in you until you believe it to be true.

Malignant Narcissist

The malignant narcissist is the most dangerous of all narcissists. It is a blend of narcissism as well as anti social behaviour disorder. A relationship with a malignant narcissist is frightening due to the unpredictability in their behaviour. You will walk on eggshells not knowing when they will turn on you. They are remorseless, aggressive, spiteful, hateful and jealous. They use suicide as threats to get out of difficult situations or to reel you back into the relationship. They will promise you they will change but this is all a game to control you. The will tell people you are the abuser so that people feel sorry for them. From my own experience and also with client work I have and still see a lot of false allegations made against the survivor so that the malignant narcissist can project themselves as the victim.

If you feel you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist then safely plan your escape secretly without them knowing. Ensuring your safety is the most important thing.

Grandiose Narcissist

Grandiose Narcissism is a flamboyant, assertive, and interpersonally dominant style. Like all narcissists, grandiose narcissists are more likely to attain leadership positions, they have an inflated sense of self, are overconfident in making decisions, and don’t seem to learn from their mistakes.